Two Weeks Post-Op

The phrase "you can get used to anything" has been on my mind a lot during my recovery. Yes, you can get used to having a bird-bath instead of showering or sleeping on your back with pillows wedged here and there so you don't accidentally move and dislocate your brand new shiny metal hip. It's also been fascinating to me at how quickly attachment develops, how quickly we seek out patterns and security and habit. I remember when I had to abruptly leave the hospital after only two days, how I felt a kind of sentimental mistiness about leaving my night nurse, Roselle, even though she was somewhat like a drill sergeant. She woke me up at 5 a.m. both mornings I was under her care, had me bathe (bird-like) and think about ordering breakfast by 6:30, etc. Even though I was doped up on Dilaudid most of that time, I immediately fell in line and came to feel a safety and dependency under her consistent care.

I felt the same kind of silly melancholy yesterday when I put aside my walker. Imagine an otherwise perfectly healthy middle aged-woman (if you don't count the fibromyalgia and blood clotting disorder) getting attached to using a walker! But that beautiful walker really helped me get around for a good two weeks. I graduated to two crutches yesterday, and to only one today. I'm seeing some progress!

My six sessions of home physical therapy are over, so there's that to get over too. And soon I'll be returning to my own house in Columbia (the one with the many, many stairs) and leaving the wonderful care and support I've gotten from Adrian. I miss my kids and my cats. It's been particularly difficult to be away from my 12 year old son Dylan, though we talk on the phone at least once a day and his dad is taking good care of him. But it will be very difficult for Adrian and I to be apart after this. We've both kind of gotten used to this much togetherness.

I have a friend Govinda, who has MS, has been through cancer twice, and raised two sons alone. She's an amazing woman, though of course she doesn't know it, and she struggles. But years ago, before the MS, before the cancers, while we were both raising our young children, we were sitting in her bedroom talking. It was really cold outside that day, and I noticed she had the window open a little bit, and she happened to be sitting fairly close to it. I asked her why on earth she had the window open. She looked over at it, shrugged and said, "I don't know. I guess I don't ever want to get too comfortable."

It made an impression on me, and I'm reminded of that now, when I see my life shifting in big and little ways. And when I look at the television and hear about the tens of thousands of jobs being lost, and the strife we face as a people the world over. Yes, yes, the only constant thing is change. But it's not easy, and it seems that it takes a concerted effort not simply to "go with the flow" but to remain awake, to be willing and prepared to change, and to help one another cope with change in all its myriad, inevitable forms. I'm sure there's much more to it than this, but this is all I have left at the moment. My body is busy putting itself back together, changing once again, and it makes me tired.

4 Days Post Op - Ouch but Hopeful

Today is Friday, 4 days since my surgery. I'm definitely improving, but am still in quite a bit of pain, especially at night. Sleeping is difficult. I'm supposed to sleep with the huge foam wedge strapped to my legs to keep me from crossing them while I sleep, but the wedge went out the window (almost literally) the first night I was out of the hospital. The thing is just too big for me (probably designed for a 180 pound man, like most medical contraptions). And being strapped to anything while trying to sleep feels a little too much like torture to me. So I've replaced it with a pillow between my legs and have been compliant with instructions to sleep on my back. The result is that I snore like a sailor and wake up frequently stiff and in pain. I've become able to bend my bad leg at the knee, so that gives a little "variety" to the experience, but really the only "relief" I get is to make the struggle to extricate myself from the bed and use my walker to get into the bathroom. And I get to take 10 mg of Percocet every 4 hours. So sleeping is rough and I do a lot of moaning and groaning during the night. I'm sure if a recording was made and released publicly, I'd be kicked out of Telesma and any other musical project, just for the embarrassment factor for everyone connected to me!

I'm still annoyed at MDIPA, my health insurance company, for caring more about their bottom line than the health of its card-carrying, premium-paying members. But one positive thing is that they are paying for (minus my $20 co-pay) excellent home physical therapy that my surgeon insisted upon. HomeCall is the company that was recommended to me, and Whitney, the therapist that came yesterday and will come again today, is wonderful, caring and knowledgeable. Some of the exercises are difficult, some easier, but I am determined to do them twice a day, as advised, so I can be back on my feet and fully recovered within the 5 or 6 weeks that this is going to take. She also pays close attention to the meds I take and any interactions they may have, plus she changes my bandages, and will remove my staples either next Thursday or the following Monday, depending on the condition of the wound. She said everything looks good though; not much swelling, some bruising, and very little drainage. More than you probably wanted to know.

The best news I've had is that my father, who was diagnosed with colon cancer right before my surgery, has been told that there are no signs of metastization. We'll know next week what treatment he is looking at, but this is such a relief to me. We are so close, and he has always been so reliably healthy -- a runner for decades, a 75 year old who goes to the gym everyday and takes his health (and vitamins and antioxidants) very seriously. The thought of losing him or of him suffering was more than I could bare in the days before my surgery. To say I am relieved is quite an understatement. Thanks to everyone for their prayers for him and for me!